"A unique tale by a fresh voice in horror."
-Tracey Fleming "The Written Universe"
FILIPINO VAMPIRE

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Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Erotica fail, Free books, and Patreon news

PART ONE: I tried writing Erotica (under a fake name)

And failed. Miserably. The books I loved writing weren't selling, so I thought I could make a pretty penny writing in this hot, new genre Fifty Shades made so famous. Well...I pretty much only made a pretty penny (ha ha ha). But damn did I put my all into those short stories. I wrote around 15? I really thought it would work. "This time, I'm going to write what the people want!" I said on the edge of a cliff, saluting the sunset.

Yeah, well, no one cared. I had wasted my damn time. I was suckered into it by all these writers on Kboards (a KDP writing forum) who claimed to be making thousands of dollars a month writing erotic books. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. Didn't matter, because I couldn't hack it. My sensual books were, guess what, too weird, too unlikable. In one story, I had the main character basically be an evil bitch, because you know, they exist in the world. But slap my wrist and call me Sally, because when you're writing popular fiction, people don't want the truth. (Shrugs) Whoops!

Full disclosure: I was bored most of the time writing erotica. And possibly, deep down, I didn't really want to be successful writing that stuff. Maybe it was self sabotage, subconsciously. If I did become successful peddling mental sex, I'd hate myself on my death bed years later anyway, cursing at my old, wrinkled hands that I didn't have any fun, that I sold my soul, my time. And all the money in the world can't buy back time wasted.

Rewind to the moment I realized, after a year of being in the erotica game, that it just wasn't working out... I missed writing my weird, funny books. But they still weren't selling. Too noncommercial. People weren't connecting. No surprise, seeing as I'm antisocial.

Depression quickly followed....

PART TWO: Free books

I'm a free author now. Horror comedy fantasy books, 100% Raym, at no charge. Why? Story goes: I gave up writing not long after my erotica phase. I said, "Screw it. I have no audience. The candle's burning on both ends. Nothing is working. I'm just pissing in the wind, and it's all flying back in my face, and it's foul-tasting pee. Not the good kind." I decided to make my strange, noncommercial books free everywhere (couldn't on Amazon due to technical reasons), and moved on with my life, meaning that I drank vodka a lot and slept a lot and worried a lot about "getting old" and "being generally useless" while my friends graduated college and went out partying in celebration of their "good enough" jobs.

Then I noticed that, hey, people have been downloading my books. People were interested. And that felt good. Even if they all hated my stuff, it was still better than being ignored. And realistically, out of hundreds of downloaders, someone out there must have liked at least one book.

So that's basically it. I'll be writing free books now for all 0.0000000001% of the population to enjoy. At least this way I'll have a better chance at finding my audience than when I had them up for sale.

My brain: Good job giving up on your dream wanting to write full-time.
Me: Shut up. I don't like you anymore. Go back to your cage and eat your boiled fish heads.

PART THREE: Patreon what?

Contrary to the negative, reptilian side of my brain, I am not giving up on writing full-time. The door (more like small window) is open to the possibility. I'm just not so focused on making money from book-writing anymore. It's more of a #3 life goal. #2 is staying relatively healthy. #1 is living a fun life, and that means writing books I enjoy, that I'm proud of. But hey, if someone wants to support my work because they honest to God have enjoyed themselves, cool beans. That's awesome! They can go here: https://www.patreon.com/RaymundHensley

Every cent goes back into making the best stories I can conjure up.

(Depressing part deleted due to shame and fear.)

Thursday, November 20, 2014

All of my books are free to download

Aloha, boils and ghouls. All of my books are free to download at your favorite e-book stores. If a book on Amazon isn't free, let them know of the error. Or go to Smashwords.com for a quick and easy download. Enjoy!

Get them here: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/raymhensley

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Cutthroat Vampire: 4-Book Set



Horror! Fantasy! Dark humor! All in one book. Includes: Filipino Vampire, Cutthroat Heroes, Ghost City, Aloha Mannequins, and a preview of Transdolphin (aka The Weredolphin).

Filipino Vampire
A popular monster from the Philippines, known as an aswang, terrorizes the island of Oahu. It's up to one little girl to put a stop to the beast's reign of panic. A dark fantasy novella.

Cutthroat Heroes
Are you lonely? At Cutthroat Heroes, we can cure your wretchedness by injecting a “love ghost” into the heart of that special someone and make them fall in love with you. Call your local priest today for details! (A fantasy comedy novella.)

Ghost City
Trapped on an island of ghosts, a surviving zombie hunter writes about his early training days, his stint as an exorcist, and run-ins with a gangster Pope. A horror comedy novella.

Aloha Mannequins
Hawaii has its secrets. From goth clubs to insane dolphin activists that wear full-body dolphin suits, Aloha Mannequins will open the eyes of any tourist. A dark comedy novella.

Transdolphin (preview)
Noah's Ark has never been found...until now. Inside the colossal boat, an archaeologist discovers the power of an ancient creature that could finally rid Oahu of law-breaking werewolves. A horror comedy novel.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

I tried writing Erotica

...because it's (currently) the most popular genre, and I failed. Not because I didn't make money, because I kinda-sorta did, but because I wasn't inspired, at all, while writing it. No fun. Just dead writing. A corpse book.

That short story took me weeks to write. I just wasn't into it. Unlike horror comedy, erotica just isn't my passion. In terms of future success, I keep telling myself that trends change. One day my genre could take off. It's just a question of when. Erotica wasn't always the #1 genre it is now. Remember when Stephen King made horror big? Or what Harry Potter did for kids books? All genres get their day....

When I wrote that short erotic tale (unpublished now), it felt like I had sold my soul. As if I had wasted a special something that God -- or the Universe, or whatever you wanna call it -- gave that makes me different from everyone else.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Zombie Hunter's Bible PLUS: 4-Book Set


Available at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JP0V1R2

NOOK store: http://tinyurl.com/7763laq

This 4-book set makes the perfect gift for readers that enjoy their horror with a slash of humor. Includes "How I Met Barbara The Zombie Hunter", "Get Kilt: A Zombie Pill", "Sweat Zombies", "The Zombie Hunter's Bible", and a preview of "Transdolphin (aka The Weredolphin)".

How I Met Barbara The Zombie Hunter
Yes, there are zombies, even in Hawaii. A foolish, lonely writer learns this the hard way from a beautiful woman who claims to be a hunter of the living dead. (Note to self: Next time, when a stranger on the internet wants to see you, just say no.) A horror comedy novelette.

Get Kilt: A Zombie Pill
An energy pill called Kilt turns the elderly into overactive, dangerous zombies. Time for the walking dead to Get Kilt. A horror comedy novella.

Sweat Zombies
A lovesick alcoholic joins a fitness center and gets more than he paid for. Pain, sweat, tears, zombies....No one said getting over depression would be easy. A horror comedy novelette.

The Zombie Hunter's Bible
A horror comedy novella. (Editor's Note: Information contained within these pages is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not murder people because they have been bitten by "zombies".)

Transdolphin (preview)
Noah's Ark has never been found...until now. Inside the colossal boat, an archaeologist discovers the power of an ancient creature that could finally rid Oahu of law-breaking werewolves. A horror comedy novel.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

FREE books: 'Sweat Zombies', 'Cutthroat Heroes', and 'Ghost City'

FREE books for around 2 months. Available at B&N and iTunes. For Kindle owners, download at Smashwords. Enjoy!

Sweat Zombies

A lovesick alcoholic joins a fitness center and gets more than he paid for. Pain, sweat, tears, zombies....No one said getting over depression would be easy. A horror-comedy novelette.

Cutthroat Heroes

A mysterious company called Cutthroat Heroes can cure your loneliness by injecting a “love ghost” into the heart of that special someone and make him (or her, or them, or it) fall in love with you. A fantasy-comedy novella. 

Ghost City

Trapped on an island of ghosts, a surviving zombie hunter writes about his early training days, his stint as an exorcist, and run-ins with a gangster Pope. A horror-comedy novella. 


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